What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
