The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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