i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
