I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
