i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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