i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i will never coherently bang her
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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