Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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