gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
