I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
