can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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