Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
