i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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