it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
