Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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