Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
