Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
