I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
