Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
