Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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