they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
