i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
