dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
