Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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