Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
