Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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