I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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