his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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