I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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