so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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