Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I sprained my soul last night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
