i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
