I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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