So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
