Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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