I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
