pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
