how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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