Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
40s are totally the cure
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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