you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
