I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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