i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
