This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
