Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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