he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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