I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
