i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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