the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
