If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
