I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
