I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
