That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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