I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
