I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
