my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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