So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
