How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
