I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
