We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
