i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have so many feelings about this burrito
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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