There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
